I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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