I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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