I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I need water and some morals
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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