I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
