My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I have fence marks all over my body
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
