So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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