You made me cry and you don't even care
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
