I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
