I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
