I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
