dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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