Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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