you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
