You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
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