Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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