my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
