I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
