Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
