I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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