woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
