I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
