I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
