Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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