Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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