Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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