Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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