Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
