If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
