why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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