I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
