and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
