When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
