You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
