Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
