Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
