Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
