FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
