Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
