my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
