Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Im part way to drunk.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
