I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
