This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
