I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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