I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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