You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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