I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
