was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
