Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
