My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Houston, we have a blender
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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