it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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