he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
