life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
