Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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